I had somehow convinced myself for two decades that I was fine in my life and had everything under control. I was addicted to pornography, drinking heavily, felt no purpose or passion in my work and was a people pleaser, a certifiable, 'nice guy.' My life looked fine to most but inside was World War III. Former college athlete, earning decent money, great friends and family, all while numbing heavily and avoiding the average, consumer focused existence I felt doomed to live. When was it going to change? 'One day,' I'd tell myself. I had my head in the sand about how much pain I was really in, watching others on Instagram live the life I wanted. Life was passing me by and I hated myself for passively watching.
Then it happened, I deeply hurt someone close to me and hit a breaking point. Wasn't the first person I had hurt over the years, but this felt different. I reached the end of myself and couldn't stomach white-knuckling life anymore. I didn't want to be here anymore and felt like a burden to those close to me. I felt shame seeing the 'just get by' man in the mirror. Instead of working towards things that excited me, I was working to convince myself and others I was something I wanted to be but couldn't feel - strong and confident. I couldn't keep living for the approval of others, under achieving in every area of my life. Two options, face my shadow and find out who I'm capable of being or check out.
Real change happens when you say, "at all costs." With the help of close friends and a real plan, I was able to say those three words for the first time. No more 'one day,' I was making changes today, at all costs. I learned how to bring awareness and understanding to my pain and shadows, in a way that would last. The power addiction and fear held over me quickly began weakening. For years I tried countless strategies to rid myself of distraction and undesired behaviors, keeping me from living a life of connection, freedom and impact...I now was. A new level of energy, clarity, focus, confidence and passion was now accessible to me. The more often we feel without acting, the less we are able to act, and, in the long run, the less we are able to feel. I understood my pain and my path began clearing for action.
As I began sharing with others about this internal battle that had been waging inside me for decades, the reactions were all similar and I was not alone. Everyone had or was going through their own internal World War III, feeling like under achievers, desperate to feel useful and imprisoned by their own thoughts and feelings. My pain and vulnerability was giving others permission to surface their own struggles, allowing them to shine light on their shadows. The pain I had been resisting and numbing became the very breadcrumbs to the power and peace I craved.
I became obsessed with learning how to help others experience this same freedom in their lives. We have one life and we're not meant to just, 'get through it.' I serve the person stuck in addiction, the person just 'getting through life,' the person feeling stuck and/or ready to take the next step in their career (knowing they have more potential), the person that wants uncommon and highly connected relationships, intimacy, and to rid themselves of self-sabotage and people pleasing. A vertical life alchemizes pain into power and peace, leading to purpose and realized potential (performance). There's a lot of well intentioned advice and self help resources out there that do more harm than good in my opinion. Strategies that lead to more shame and frustration, offering short term solutions, but don't change anything at the root level. My work and passion is to help you be the most peace filled and high performing version of yourself. We all benefit from that person showing up in the world.
